Would you like to sit?

I don’t really like it when people go down on me. When I used to have my blog, I wrote a few posts about my lack of confidence with how my vulva looks, based on perfect portrayals in porn I’d watched or a few comments made by ex lovers (or, more accurately, ‘people who were wrong and I shouldn’t have fucked them’).

I’m a bit ‘wonky’ down there. My right labia is neat and tidy, my left is…not. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, and even now my confidence ebbs and flows. I can count the times I’ve had sex this year on one hand, and a lot of the reason for this has been unstable body confidence, which when it comes to sex always extends to my vulva.

The thing is, I’ve gone down on other people. And for somebody who is so bothered about the way I look, I have no idea how they looked- because I’m usually much too excited to get to the act itself. But, how they look matters not one iota. Everybody is different. It doesn’t even matter.

So it’s a difficult one. Why do I get so torn up about myself, when I am actively not even considering the same issue in others?

In the midst of this, somebody going down on me is not relaxing. I expect them to comment on how I’m ‘a bit wonky’, like somebody once did. Also, the idea of somebody not receiving any pleasure whilst I’m receiving mine makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Even though, again, I’ve gone down on other people and it has been really fucking good for me.

Why am I pondering over my thoughts of oral sex, you might ask? Well in the past month or so, I’ve been struggling to orgasm when I masturbate. So, imagine my surprise when I realised that the fantasy that, for some reason, rarely fails to push me over the edge into climax is face sitting.

Face sitting is not something I have done a lot of at all. I find it difficult to balance due to the issues above, and in most circumstances it hasn’t appealed to my submissive nature. I’m terrible at being dominant- I get very little from it, and I say sorry way too many times to be a sexy dominant. And to me the act of face sitting is quite a dominant act. But the couple of times I have done it were actually really hot.

This partner had this thing where he would silently but purposefully manoeuvre and adjust my position to get what he wanted from me- and it was very…you know…unnnnggh. I remember straddling him on his bed, as we kissed. I’d rub myself against him and feel him harden under me. He would grab my hips and direct me to kneel over him, silently. I would grip his wooden headboard, and lower my cunt over his face. My back would arch slightly, as I would close my eyes and raise my head, letting my hair fall down my back. He would grip my arse tighter, holding me in place as I’d grind against his mouth. I remember the noises he made into my cunt as he pleasured me. I remember the boyish grin on his face after I came, and he pulled me down to hold me. ‘You are so fucking hot’ he told me. And, surprisingly, I felt it.

So what is it getting me off this time? It’s being confident, pinning someone down beneath my thighs. Using them for my pleasure. Something I really have never done, and am unsure I would enjoy in reality. Do I even like my partner in this fantasy? Is it a hate fuck, or a revenge fuck, or do they just enjoy being used? I’m really not sure. But it seems to be working, and I don’t want my over analysing to scare it away!

I hope I can continue to work on my confidence to begin introducing oral sex back into my sex life. I hope I can practice what I preach when it comes to my vulva. We are all wonderful and different and I hope I can join that celebration.

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