Oops, I think I accidentally made PIV sex into a big deal

Six line-drawn couples in various sex positions. Graphic.

Image licensed from Adobe.

Reading a casual-fuck-partner’s old texts on a Smutathon wank break (less fun than a Smutathon fuck break, but more practical for a day of writing in the library) left me thinking about his dick. And my desire to one day sit on his dick, despite my vaginismus. But why is that particular sex act so intriguing: penis-in-vagina sex isn’t a big deal, right?

This is my third post for Smutathon! Today, fourteen sex writers are spending 12 hours creating as much filth and fuck-positive content as possible to raise money for The National Network of Abortion Funds: please donate here, or check out the bottom of this post for more info. 

Except… I think I’ve accidentally made it into a big deal. Not due to this friend-with-fucking in particular (though he has certainly played a role), but due to my own fetishisation of a sex act that feels (for the moment) like an unachievable challenge.

I’d like to stick to this idea – that I have somehow added an appealing element of BDSM-y endurance to a sex act I can’t imagine ever actually enjoying – rather than admit that it might be due to the importance we continue to place on PIV sex. We live in a society that technically defines me – somewhat idiotically – as a virgin. Leaving aside the bullshit notion of “virginity” (as I wish society would do), this is because I haven’t had penis-in-vagina sex yet.

In fact, due to my vaginismus I’m not sure I’ll ever have PIV sex. So far vagina therapy has been challenging – and a flurry of flat moving and exhausting depression has led to me missing a handful of appointments. Vaginal dilators and pelvic floor drops might one day bring me to a place where my own fingers will slip inside my cunt without fear or tears, but that day feels like it’s a long way away.

Does it matter that it might never arrive? It shouldn’t matter. I’m a kinky feminist who can list half a dozen sex acts that are both kinkier and more focussed on female pleasure; I’m a queer woman who fucks folks with vulvas. I currently have a partner who wouldn’t want PIV sex to feature in our smörgåsbord of sex, even if it was on my menu of fucking options.

So, even if I could have penis-in-vagina sex, why would I want to? I will admit that the skilful writing of my fellow sex bloggers has much to answer for here: if it wasn’t so exquisite and erotically described by all of the writers I admire so much, I doubt I’d crave it half as much as I do. They suggest all sorts of delicious scenarios, and while my imagination is substantial I do occasionally need to top it up with new filthy ideas. And a large portion of those filthy ideas feature penis-in-vagina sex.

Riding a partner’s dick. Clenching my cunt around their cock so they could feel it pulse in an attempt to tip them over into orgasm. Someone coming inside me, and feeling their come dripping out of me as I go about my day. Doggy style, or being told to bend over so someone can fuck me roughly from behind. A dick hitting my g-spot over and over again, as someone presses down on my mouth to silence me and forbids me from coming…

If I ever overcome my vaginismus to the point where I can put things inside me, there are half-a-dozen things that it feels like I should be more excited for. Tampons, for instance, after years of being unable to use them. Finger-fucking featured in my fantasies long before penis-in-vagina sex did, and it’s something I would love to experience. An app-controlled sex toy in my cunt sounds brilliant, or a partner fucking me hard with a strap-on.

And yet, even as I come up with a dozen dirty delights that don’t feature penis-in-vagina sex, I can’t help but picture the expression on my friend-with-fucking’s face as I fill his ass with a butt plug and sit down hard on my dick. It’s an expression I’d love to see; one I can’t stop thinking about.

Which brings me to my conclusion: there’s a possibility that I have, quite unintentionally, made PIV sex into a far bigger deal than it was ever meant to be. And this in turn annoys me, because I feel like as a sex-positive sex writer I should know better than to place any great importance on it. Oops.


Smutathon is an annual fundraising erotic writing challenge, and this year we’re on a twelve-hour-long filth writing adventure to raise funds for The National Network of Abortion Funds. Please support us by donating here: 

Goal Thermometer

Confessions of a Smutathoner
Late, for (what I wish was) a very important date

Quinn Rhodes

Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a queer, trans, disabled sex blogger. He’s a sex nerd with vaginismus who writes about his vagina anxiety, mental illness, and adventures in learning to fuck without fucking up. Quinn can usually be found wearing stomp-on-the-patriarchy boots while falling in love every time he fucks. He creates filthy and think-y writing about sex as well as educational content about trans inclusivity.

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1 Response

  1. Incredibly, I have never considered it before I read this, but I am definitely guilty of holding PIV sex as the “natural” end point of sex. I must be more aware of this in the future. Thank you for this post, Quinn.

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