I suppose I am not much like Erica Jong’s heroine and I doubt I will be any more successful in finding the zipless fuck than she was. Nonetheless reading Fear of Flying some years ago coincided with a new relationship and some amazing sex and got me thinking in a new way about female sexuality. I will correct that. It got me thinking about female sexuality as something that I couldn’t just take for granted, couldn’t make simple assumptions that it was like mine.
As I reflected on this I became acutely aware that it was a mystery and, however much was revealed by individual partners in lovemaking, it would, to a great event, always be a mystery. This, of course, is a good thing. Where there is no mystery there can be no true eroticism. And yet I needed to know more. I sometimes sat alone, shutting my eyes, replaying in my head the previous night’s lovemaking, and trying to imagine how it was for her.
And the mystery of female sexuality has hung over my transition, it has fuelled my lovemaking with women sine I began my transition, my beautiful adventures in sex without penetration, my growing appreciation of the beauty of the vulva, my realisation, delighted realisation, that there were further mysteries behind the mysteries.
Before then I had begun to write and blog. I am sure I am not the only writer about sex who writes to explore tings she cannot directly experience, to pursue things that must always be elusive, although close enough to tease and tantalise. It is lovely that people enjoy my writing, and wonderful beyond words when when tell me that they found a story hot or could identify with a particular character. However, I write ultimately for myself, and don’t imagine that the reaction of women to my writing means that I am any closer to grasping the mystery and laying it bare.
I wouldn’t want to do this, even it were possible. My transition has been driven by sex, my blogging is an attempt to make sense of it all. I am on a journey whose destination I don’t know. And that is fine for me. I am enjoying the journey too much to want it to end.
I am continuing my journey this Saturday at Smutathon, where I will be joined by a number of other brilliant writers. And to donate to or chosen cause this year click on the image below.